Gratitude For Her Presence

I've had the blessing of caring for my mother the past three years and its been life changing.  For years my mother had been combative making it difficult to maintain a relationship with her, but with the onset of dementia which made her more dependent, she became more grateful for our help.  With increased dependency comes virtues crucial to building relationships.  In this new relationship, and in spite of how difficult it was to accept her declining condition, my mother and I have rebuilt our relationship.   

From the outside looking in it seems like a difficult if not unreal encounter with the person who has dementia.  I hear from others, and have thought to myself "She's not really here anymore" and "its not the mother I always knew".  Those thoughts seem true at first but ultimately they are a distraction from the reality.  She is there and I can know her and love her, differently and possibly even better than before but it takes patience.  

There are many times when my mother's personality comes out, when her person shines through the confusion.  Her time with her grandchildren is especially important.  When it comes to the grandchildren she cherishes her time with them and falls right into place as grandma.  The movement of her heart towards them tells a story that no cognitive test can tell.  There have been many great times with my mom enjoying the children, dancing with them, playing games and going to Church.  

The experience of being with her and caring for her has taught me some things about knowing persons with dementia.  Even when connecting with her seems too difficult, I can trace the times when her personality shines through and encounter the mother I once knew.  However, things have become more difficult as the disease progresses and these moments seem to occur much less often.  Encountering my mother requires more affection, more time spent caring for her and more work to communicate with her.  

It has been during my time care-giving that I have encountered her the most.  I have found her where I did not look for her, in the simple moments when she has expressed gratitude for my help.  Could there be an affection more human than gratitude?    

In his book Dependent Rational Animals Alasdair MacIntyre emphasized the virtue of just generosity where we act towards others with an affectionate regard for them.  Never could this apply more than with person suffering from dementia who perceives the world through the lens of feeling.  What the person with dementia has to teach us is the importance of the the virtues of acknowledged dependence such as the value of gratitude and courtesy.   

"To these virtues of giving must be added virtues of receiving: such virtues as those of knowing how to exhibit gratitude, without allowing that gratitude to be a burden, courtesy towards the graceless giver, and forbearance towards the inadequate giver.  The exercise of these latter virtues always involves a truthful acknowledgement of dependence."

As in the case of my mother, these virtues of acknowledged dependence are learned virtues that develop over time.  The analysis MacIntyre brings to light a reality that the caring experience enriches.  Some of the most beautiful moments with my mother have occurred when I practiced just generosity with affectionate regard and she acknowledged that effort with gratitude.  It was the other day when I helped to her seat, told her with affection "I love you" and she said "Thank you."  A simple but most beautiful moment.  

I'll leave you with this wonderful video to hammer home the point about gratitude.